Inbar Bakal

“Inbar? Imbar?? what kind of name is that?”
“It’s actually Ambar -  كهرمان   “ I answer
“Ahhhhh, ya habibti “ he smiles
“You know it’s a beautiful stone, very expensive” he says “Walla like your color”
Jaouad laughs, and continues to explain how you can tell if Amber is real or not – throw it into the fire and smell it.
“I didn’t know that” I answer and try not to make an analogy between that and real life.
“are you sure you don’t speak Arabic?” 3 hours in Morocco and I’ve been asked that maybe 10 times, every time they speak Arabic to me I answer with my broken French.
“No, I can pick up a few words, give me a few days” I tell him
Jaouad seems disappointed but continues to explain about the difference between Arabic and Darija (Moroccan Arabic)
Jaouad looks ageless, he is tall, tanned smiling man, who is eager to answer any questions we have.
There’s five of us, and more are joining tomorrow, everyone is there for a different reason.
“I am here to explore my spirituality” says Lee.  She is a beautiful green eyed woman who is a master in Tribal dance “I want to participate in Hadra” now she sounds excited “want to come with me?”
“Sure” I tell her.  “hmm what is it exactly?”
“Hadra is a spiritual ceremony, there’s one only for women”
I am intrigued, and I am making a point to research that and ask Jaouad for the story
We drive and I see the Mediterranean sea, my heart stops, so beautiful, just like home.
“Jaouad, can I go running here at the beach? is it safe?”
“oh yes, Casa very safe.  Women walk here at 1 in the morning”
I hope not to be awake at that time and have desire the to run.
At 7am I go running along Corniche, the beach in Casablanca.  I am surprised to see it’s packed – hundreds of men are playing soccer, yelling, running, kicking the ball.  I smile at them they look curious and smile back, and again I wish I could speak Darija.
At breakfast I can’t stop myself as I eat 3 Mufleta, here they call it msemmen, but if you ask me they actually stole it from the yemeni (sorry Gali ) we call it Melawach.
I chat with Sa’id, the restaurant manager, that tells me how much he loves Hebrew, he calls me a gazelle (and explains that’s a compliment) and the conversation drifts to the Arab Israeli conflict.
“Inshaala, it will be resolved in our time.  We are cousins!”
“You know, we’re actually brothers” I say “Ishmael and Isaach were brothers”
Sa’id closes his eyes “Yes, Abraham was our father”
We go to the Hasan II Mosque, it was inspired by the koranic verse “The throne of God was on water” beautiful beautiful architecture, accommodates up to 25,000 worshipers.
After that we drive to Beth El Synagogue, where I meet Tahwid, a muslim 6 year old who melts my heart.
I am going to welcome Shabbat in Temple Beth El
Shabbat in Casablance.
How Amazing.

וכל דרכייך געגועים.
האורות מרצדים געגועים הנשימות נאנקות געגועים והדם זורם געגועים
הנשים שרות געגועים הגברים חומדים געגועים והילדים צוחקים געגועים
את מתהלכת ברחובות, שיכורה מזכרונות למי למה כבר אינך יודעת
אלו תעתועי הרגש או געגועי הנפש?
והחול נטבע בגעגועים הגלים גועשים געגועים והדגים צוללים געגועים
הרוחות מלחשות געגועים העשבים נעים געגועים והעצים מושרשים געגועים
את שרה ורוקדת את מחול הגעגוע או התעתוע
אינך ממש יודעת

“There’s nothing outside of you…Kingdom of heaven is restored to you, God created only this… Heaven is not a place nor condition.  It is merely an awareness of perfect oneness, and the knowledge that there’s nothing else; nothing outside this oneness, and nothing else within.” Course in Miracles

When the light is on, you can smell roses from 100 steps away
colors are vivid, rainbows exist behind your eyes and you pray.
you can hear the larks as they soar, and you can’t help but adore
All creation.

When the light is on, no sleep is needed
You forget to eat, there’s a golden sun in your belly
and it shines shines shines
the land guides your way, trees inviting you to stay
you get intoxicated by the ocean breeze.

When the light is on you cease to see people
array of souls are greeting you everyday
when they speak it is you, when you speak it is them
and we are one.
all is possible when the light is on.

“Rebirth is not a process that we can in any way observe.  We can neither measure nor weigh nor photograph it.
It is entirely beyond sense perception. . . .  We have to be content with its psychic reality”  Carl Jung

“Get up Inbar”
“Get up from the floor” a voice tells me.
I am on my living room floor, my cheek is pressed to the wooden floor, my eyes are watering, my nose is running and my head refuses to listen and get up.
“Get up NOW”
I am losing track of time or reality, it doesn’t really matter I think, I am going to die today.

A day before
I am in the Galilee, walking down a green hill, there are kids with me, they are my kids. They’re laughing and their laughter is contagious I join them and we are happy
The scene vanishes and I am in California, driving alone looking for something, someone.  A car hits me from behind.  I die.
“it’s just a dream, it’s just a dream” I mumble.  I reach out to grab my psalms, it does not give me comfort.
The day continues in haze, tears are streaming down with no control I drive to work and feel this could be my last day on earth.
“Gali something’s wrong with me”
“Inbar you need to take it easy, you have so much on your plate,  you are doing so much, one step at a time.  You are so amazing, you inspire people around you, stop being so hard on yourself” God bless Gali. but this isn’t what I want to hear, I am cringing with every compliment feeling this is food to my ego.

2 days earlier
I am in my old neighborhood, I can’t seem to find the people I love, it’s vacant.  I run at the streets but find no one. I am alone. I realize i have no body, I am an energy, I am not among the living
I wake up
I go for my daily run at the beach, it usually soothes me, water, air, wind, sand.
I start running and I can’t finish I break and sob in the middle of the boardwalk, people stop and stare but I am beyond caring.
I shut myself home.  At night the dreams continue I am in my car again driving and hitting a wall. I die.
Bruno, I need to talk Bruno, but I am ashamed to tell him how I feel and he was saying how good I was doing, and I still care about looking good, I will sell my true emotions for that.  dear god I have made no progress… and then i think of the person I really yearn to talk to, cravings & longings that are beyond imagination,  it is so intense I can barely breath.  But he is long gone, far away, in a different world…  Sometimes I wonder if he even remembers me.
Then I summon it up and think it does not matter.  I am going to die soon.
The crying continues.
I don’t know who I am where I am going or what I want.  and it all doesn’t matter cause I am going to die soon, I think.

First day
I go to take a shower and I collapse.
Heartbeats are quick, hot water is streaming, I think my skin is burning, but its beyond sensation.  I am numb.
I lose track of time, and I find myself at work, don’t even remember how and when I got there. I am quite, my co workers look at me suspiciously “I got my period” I say. They smile in understanding, it’s funny how female hormones give the best excuses.
I go to sleep early and the nightmares begins.

Dear God.
How long it will last?
However long it is needed

And so Rebirth starts – Shedding the old self and the old paradigms.
Welcome to your new life.

Jan 2010.

“Welcome to consciousness, it’s a lonely long road” he says
“ahhhhhhh” I moan
“Consciousness is a bitch” he continues
“Well thanks a lot Bruno” and I give him my 4 year old frown
“You welcome, but is there any other way? soon you will discover how free you are” he smiles and gives me his famous dimples.  I smile in return.

It has been 7 days since taking Landmark forum.   I started this course very skeptic, a little cynical and somewhat curious.  I was going through interesting spiritual path, I was reading every book under the sun that had to do with Judaism & spirituality.

So I was good.  I knew stuff.  So I thought
7 days of complete ecstasy, vivid colors and a high I cannot even explain.   All senses are enhanced and everywhere I go I swear you can see souls.  But like any ride there’s the up and there’s the down.
“I feel like my life is a lie” I tell him.
“Well it’s understandable that you feel this way it’s part of the process”
Hours and hours of conversations with Bruno, he was surly sent from above to take my hand and walk with me the beginning of this journey.
“I don’t know who I am”
Bruno doesn’t like drama but he wears his patience suit with me.
“You will figure it out, you will know soon, already I am amazed how far you’ve gone”
“No I haven’t” and I continue with my 4 year old attitude.

Let me introduced you to Inbar I just discovered: Self absorbed admiration seeking judgmental Inbar.
The joke of it all is that I considered myself a very morale & good person while all along I was being inauthentic.
I lied, I cheated, I covered up while all along I was continuing to be righteous and along the way I’ve hurt people who love me dearly.
I had anger bottled up towards people and situations that might have been unjust, but I kept it inside cause I sold my authenticity for the price of admiration.
I had heavy filters on my eyes, heart and mind.  I saw people in a certain way, I truly believed it and found every evidence under the sun to prove my case. and I did and I won.

Think of a situation in your life where you are certain “You know” that person from inside out.
You have your stories, and what they did or did not do, you file them and put them in the past cabinet that you drag with you.
Well, consider something else – try on perhaps that they are non of that, try on that they have many more qualities and merits and good than you can see, try on that they are non of your story or even their stories.  Consider that they are much much much more than that.  Consider that they are a spirit, that you are a spirit and you are non of your stories that we lived in for so long.  
Try it on.